Don’t Lose Your Discernment in 2024
The hidden cost of endless goal setting and becoming a 'New You' each year.
Happy 2024 friend!
I’m writing to you from behind a door that is behind a few feet of snow now, because I live by Lake Michigan, and I’m snowed in.
Perks of the place, but it makes for a great time to do some writing.
And more importantly for me, actually, since I write every day, to get around to publishing my new series of trainings and challenges for 2024.
It’s very exciting in a couple of short weeks, I’ll be bringing these to an audience that has no idea who I am.
Until then, I’m inviting anyone who is a part of my community to join me for the first of these, my new workshop, ‘Unearth’ for free.
In it, I share the 4 limiting forces that hold most people from actualizing their full potential, doing their best work, and feeling their best.
And how you can harness these hidden forces to hit the next level in your growth and unearth your best self buried beneath the limiting beliefs and behaviors that get so much attention this time of year.
It’s basically a book in the form of a half-day workshop and goes for $11 but if you’re reading this, use code: SYNERGY and you can get it free.
You can also share the code in this letter with anyone you think might like this too:
Okay, now onto the letter.
I’ve always loved personal growth.
And I’ve seen the self-help aisle be a reliable source of hope for many people, but…
Personal growth is not a straight line.
Even when it’s going well.
But especially when it’s going badly.
For many, personal growth is an on-again-off-again toxic relationship that knocks at your door again each New Year, signaling a dull alarm like the chirping of a cookoo clock that blares on the first of the year, and then slowly fades over the days until it retreats into its tiny wooden house until next year.
When you think of personal growth…
Is it something you only focus on when something is wrong?
Or is focusing on your self-development something you do regardless of what’s going on in your life?
The truth is some people are more wired for personal growth than others.
In my experience, there are two types of people who enjoy personal growth, and around New Year (really around now, a couple of weeks after) you can more easily see who is who.
In today’s letter, I’ll share both types and the hidden trade-off that many personal growth lovers happily make, without realizing it along the way.
The first type:
Takes this time of year to connect with themselves.
Maybe they spend the day journaling, connecting with their favorite people, or doing what they hope to see themselves doing more of this coming year.
(This last one has always been my favorite way to spend the New Year. Especially, if I set a goal for something I haven’t actually done before, I like to spend that day at least attempting to do that new thing—and immediately stop the cycle of spending too much time thinking about it, and invest more time in just doing it.)
For this first type of person, personal growth is a way of life.
It’s not just an interest of theirs that gets more time to air out in the sun when all the New Year New You ads start decorating their feed like dots in a pointillism portrait.
They’re usually already doing it.
They aren’t breaking a cycle from the norm that they already know is unrealistic to maintain.
Instead, they focus on what is good for them—which is no different now than it is any other time of the year.
And it’s hard for most people to know what is good for them, between the swings of guilt of not doing enough and burnout of having already done too much.
Because of this, the first type asks themselves these questions all year round and achieves far more over a year (or over decades) than the New Year, New You-ers do with their intense starts a fizzle finishes.
This first group focuses on who they are becoming, not just what they are doing.
And that’s a process that happens every day, not just once a year, and pays out every waking moment. They know habits will help them achieve this state, but that they aren’t the only things that matter, or even close to what matters most.
Then there’s the second group which is less happy and more common:
The second type:
It doesn’t come so easily to them.
They aren’t nearly as connected to themselves.
And so they are cut off from much of their passion, intuition, and motivation throughout the year.
They see their life as a scorecard and compare how theirs matches up (or not) against everyone else’s around them which they make up and keep track of in their head.
When the scores don’t match up, and they find confirmation for the way they feel, they focus on what they see others doing that they feel they should be doing…
What others have that they should have…
Who others are that they should be…
These things become items on a list that need to be crossed off, or obligations and demands that they feel they should be enough for, but feel they simply aren’t.
Like the first group this group also rightly assumes that they are where they are in life, because of who they are in life.
But they take it a step too far and instead of asking questions like:
“Based on who I am, what life can I create and who can I become?“
Instead, they say, “This is who I am, and I’m not enough.”
And they treat themselves like they’ve been found out to be on Santa’s naughty list and now it’s time to work their way off it.
So for this second group personal growth feels like work.
And it’s not that they aren’t working on themselves all year, like the first group, it’s just how they do that doesn’t actually work—for them.
Because copying other people’s goals, their morning routines, and what works for others, is not a great way to discover what works for them.
They treat their growth like their day job and like those same rules (that don’t even work there) also apply here—that it doesn’t matter how you feel, just get the job done.
That the ends justify the means and they're the means.
So, they justify where they are in life and who they’ve become while punishing themselves for not being where they think they should be.
This group has a bucket list of should haves, should dos, should bes…
Distilling their life into a series of things that need to be done and places they should be.
But the problem is, to get there and achieve their goals whether it’s…
To go to the gym consistently…
To be more productive than they’ve been…
To take more chances…
They use a ‘whatever it takes’ mentality and end up sacrificing more than they stand to gain. Like their happiness, their connection to themselves, and their ability to even enjoy what they achieve.
But the worst part for this group is that they are actually the group that is more likely the achieve what they want in the short term.
At first, they learn that putting their needs last helps them do what they think they need to do, but the problem then comes after they get what they want.
Then they experience a drop-off and realize that happiness, fulfillment, and satisfaction come from something else.
The difference between the two groups:
The first group gets what they want, but it’s not usually immediate.
The second group often gets what they ‘want’, but at the cost of more.
Because they act more like robots. There are fewer variables for them because they don’t listen to all the human ones. Like how they feel, what they think, and what could be true for them, but mustn’t be because no one else feels that way…
So, they follow through and accomplish what they want, in rapid order.
But then there’s a huge drop-off and they ask themselves, “Is this all there is?”
Because they weren’t following a map of their own making and now they are lost.
Why?
Because at some point they began to interpret their own wants, desires, and instincts with things that are bad for them.
Like always assuming that the things they want must be bad for them, or that what they crave must be fattening somehow—even when that’s not true.
In my experience, a person from the second group either grows into the first group, or ends up burning out—falling behind, and no longer growing at any pace or price.
And then they’re given a chance to come back as someone from the first group.
(Key point there if anything in the group two description sounded close to home…)
That’s the tricky thing about group two, you get results, you get speed, but the price of getting there is your sensitivity.
It’s your discernment.
It’s your instincts.
Which are core to you.
I’ve written about it before, but this is again that whole parable of the Ship of Theseus…
Which asks if a ship replaces all its parts along a journey, one by one day-by-day, is it the same ship by the time it’s reached its journey’s end?
A better question for you…
If you lose touch with your instincts, desires, and all the things in life that give you energy and make you feel alive—did you grow?
Even if…
The numbers in your business or bank account went up…
The numbers on the scale went down…
You put more notches in the bedpost, or whatever.
Each of these are awesome experience and good, but because of how easy they are to measure and compare… they become sources of guilt, which limit consciousness and sap life of joy.
Anything with a number makes it easy to compare, whether it’s money or likes, and if we’re doing good—we ask how we can do better and secure our spot where we are.
And if it’s bad, we ask what’s wrong with us and what can we do.
Which puts us right back on the naughty list on the path for group two.
This is one of the major unaddressed problems with personal growth.
We’re always changing, and whether we’re getting ‘better’ or ‘worse’ really comes down to you and what is actually ‘better’ or ‘worse’ for you.
If you ask me, it’s worse to make progress toward somebody else’s (or even society’s goals) than to fail at your own.
Whether you end up on path one or two, really comes down to your ability to determine what is growth, for you.
And not just once a year, but every day of your life.
And, if you sacrifice your discernment in the process of achieving whatever it is you decide… then what happens next year? Or the year after?
A quick story about taste and color
As an entrepreneur, you hear a lot of stories of founders who will get that world-changing or life-changing idea, and they go ‘all in’ on it. They raise money, take a bunch of chances, build a team, and put it all on the line—including themselves.
At some point, after waking up and working for a series of days that turns the extraordinary burst of inspiration into the ordinary succession of days where they have to make the idea into a reality, their discernment starts to go.
At first, it shows up as tastes starting to dull. Needing to put salt on every meal.
Then it’s the colors. Sensations, pleasure, and even the joys of fond memories don’t move the emotional needle.
If you’re not an entrepreneur then you may not know that entrepreneurs ride a doom coaster that is constantly up, and down with cycles of mania, and terror, dread, and fear dotted by moments of hope or sheer willpower to push through.
And then eventually, it works out. There’s a payoff, launch, or sell event.
(Hopefully.)
That’s the moment that it’s worth it, and they think to themselves that they can finally reinvest in their health, and spend the next year in the sauna or at retreats to make up for it.
But that’s not how it works.
With entrepreneurs, you can see it to the extreme and I’ve gotten on and off this rollercoaster a handful of times now enough to know that it’s keeping your discernment that really matters in life.
And your instincts are a price you can’t afford to pay to accomplish anything.
Because you may get what you set out to gain that way, but you won’t be able to appreciate it when you finally get it.
You may not like who you became along the way and now have to make a new list of goals to get back what you lost.
Sometimes this shows up in extreme and weird ways.
Have you ever seen someone who is well-off but spends their money not just freely, but recklessly?
It’s not just because they have so much of it that it doesn’t matter.
Although, these people often say that or brag.
It does matter, and truly wealthy people appreciate what they have and put it where it has the most effect (usually where it makes them more money).
The ones who get rich and immediately waste what they gain do so because they lose sensitivity to what money means to them.
They lost their discernment.
And they’ve lost touch with what they want to create, with their instincts because that’s one of the fastest paths to get to their position—sacrifice your needs, well-being, and sanity and whatever else it takes until the numbers start to move.
It’s like a game or neurofeedback.
Except you are training your brain to be unwise, and unhappy, for short-term gain.
Now, lots of people really do manage to ‘succeed’ this way.
They get what they want, live out society’s goals, and have the resources to re-invest and get themselves that holiday to reconnect with themselves, or the $300 a month gym + spa membership and they believe they will reconnect with themselves one massage, green smoothie, and protein shake at a time.
And yeah, if that’s your intent, that works.
Because connecting with yourself is easier to do than it is to prioritize.
But just know that the path of reconnecting that comes after that is about as slow as taking the slower path of the first group, who doesn’t pay that price in the first place.
And that journey of reconnecting isn’t exactly fun, because when they do they may realize:
They became someone else along the way.
Or they made some decisions they can’t go back from.
Or they simply didn’t put energy into places they could, while they could.
You can side-step all that
If you know what’s good for you and trust your instincts.
So, if you feel like you have more questions than answers, that’s a good sign.
And if you’re unsure which group you fall into…
Just take a slower pace than you think you need.
Keep your ambitious goals, but maybe dial them back 20%.
Think about how long you expect it should take you to achieve it, and maybe add a couple of weeks.
And consider what’s going to support you, and the people around you, while you do it.
There is a binary difference between playing small and not playing at all.
This can all be a bit cliche, but if you put this into practice and the voice in your head tells you that slowing down is messing about, or procrastinating, or that you must not really want it that badly…
“Because if you did….”
Recognize that as the siren call of the second path that wants to eat your joy.
Don’t listen to that voice in your head, your inner critic, because it doesn’t want you to get there quicker so you have more time to enjoy time in the promised land…
It wants to watch the journey of your life through your eyes, while you go through the motions, so you can wake up one day wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”
In a word
It’s all about discernment.
For some, it’s a gift.
For others, it’s something that takes 20, 30, 40, 50 years to cultivate.
No one can tell you what it is, but you can eventually get it for yourself.
And for every person, discernment is what’s needed to realize what you already have, and what you stand to gain, without needing to trade away what’s precious to you.
Most don’t realize they are doing it when they are doing it.
So, if 2024 isn’t shaping up to be what you’d hoped so far and you realize you’ve already set unrealistic goals for yourself…
Here’s a helpful reminder:
Don’t copy what others are doing—the test is made up and no one knows the answers.
You will discover the stuff that actually works for most people in the process of figuring out what works for you.
And when you operate this way, you don’t have to pull the rug out on what you have now, to get what you haven’t had before.
You can have both if you learn to discern what is right for you.
I was wondering…
What would you label the first group and the second group?
I had some ideas but none felt quite right as labels…
So I’m curious what you think.
Let me know in the comments below, and if you enjoyed this post click the ❤️ button on this post so more people can discover it.
And if you’re a regular reader, the best way you can help is by recommending this publication.
Thank you!
And enjoy the free gift at the top.